It's Saturday night, May 23rd, 2009. I'm alone at my computer, and I'm ecstatic. High school graduation is tomorrow. A culmination of twelve years of public education all rolled into a neat little one to two hour ceremony.

What am I supposed to be feeling right now? I've been caught up in such a whirlwind of activity that I barely have time to contemplate the immensity of the situation. I feel regret, I feel happiness, I feel apprehension, I feel nervous. It's a confusing cloud of emotions I can barely decipher.

Four years of high school, especially this year, so much has happened, I can barely remember it all. Watching Jose at Ben's house that one night, taking a bottle of stuff from Joker's party and getting it dumped on the curb, doing weight-lifting without Jake and Jacob, going to Applebee's again each night at Jacob's at 12:30 AM, playing Evelyn's Communist-hating dad at Waffle House, pulling through five AP classes (with one very gorgeous Statistics teacher) and a not-so-smart involvement with a prank the last day of school.

Years down the road, I'm going to look back and regardless of if nostalgia has developed, I can recognize even now how great this entire year was. I'm going to miss the connections I made and the people I finally got to know. But, the future, ah, the future. I'm confronted by my greatest fear; complacency. Where will I be in a three months? A year? Four years? Will I compromise and take second-best, never happy with what I've got? Or will I go out and do, and be, and create, and live a life I can be damn proud of?

Since this entry indicates an end to my high school career, I'm going to move on to another blog and either make this private or just keep it hidden. You can find me at walkerevans.blogspot.com . It's been a fun four years, here's to many more.

I have to put this down, get it out of my system. They say writing, more specifically prose, is a way to describe what can't be described, to feel what cannot be felt. If that is it's purpose, then let it be so here. People are a confusing group. They can stoically maintain an image in public, but in the recesses of the secluded, they let forth who they are. Sometimes, it's the same person. Other times, it's a monster, an amalgamation of a series of traits combined in an intoxicatingly lethal compound. Perhaps its why I've always had such a trouble adapting. I haven't seen this "other-side", this Mr. Hyde to their respective Dr. Jekyll. If I had, I would have consorted with some and repudiated others.

Given the time to ponder the events of that night, I'm torn between disgust and envy, disgust at their actions, envy over what I've missed. Is this truly the kind of things I have been neglecting for four years? It's no surprise then that I should find myself such a social outcast. I consider this an answer to a great question, though too late to be to my benefit.

I find myself awake at an odd hour, pondering things of the most curious nature. Tonight was senior prom, my first and last attendance of the event. I'm unsure if I was really missing out by not attending the previous year. I ended up (not by choice) going stag, then hooking up with someone in Caleb's group. I had a fun, but prom did nothing more than to highlight my own inexperience in the field of dating. I'm smooth like sandpaper and subtle like death metal. As I work through my comfort zone to get places, I keep thinking back, wondering what I'm going for. There's that feeling, when I reach a point I've never been before and it makes me nervous. Am I still on the path I want? Or is the path I just expect I should be going down? It's been the better part of two years that I've had an active effort to change things and in so-far, I've gone from the 5-yard line to the 10-yard, when I need to be making a touchdown. Ultimately, my destination is entirely dependent on the dedication of my efforts and if they are sufficient enough to warrant the success I so desire.

College is turning out differently than I expected. April 20th, I find out if I'm attending Mercer (they're re-evaluating my financial aid). If not, it's either West Georgia or, if I lose the weight, the Air Force. Funny, I've taken to planning out my entire future, but I'd always assumed college would just happen. I'd apply, they'd scramble over me, and I'd have my pick of the litter. Now, I'm taking my pick of the leftovers, denied to the colleges I preferred, and short of any significant scholarships. What's the message here? Things are always going to change, the best you can do is to not ponder on them, but move on and plan for something else. Here's to moving on and a better future.